i don’t ever blog because i dont feel the need.  i feel like i dont need to share my stories or experiences with the world.  people dont need to know that i had a good meal at a restaurant or that i had fun today.  the ones who i care to share in my life  will share those experiences as i go.

i dont know why i am blogging right now, probably because i dont know what else to do.  im a mess. i am a broken person.  i have been broken down my entire life, bit by bit, and it all ultimately culminates in me being completely fragile and unable to handle my life as it comes at me.

i dont know what to do anymore.  i can never fix things.  when things go wrong, i can only hope to create a temporary patchwork, that eventually rips itself away until everything ultimately blows up in my face.  i want so badly to make everything right, to make each moment feel special, to make all problems go away.

but no, i create more problems. i wish i could make you smile and be happy.  i wish i could give you perfection.  i wish that i wasnt so broken.  i keep trying though, no matter how many failures i never seem to be able to give up on you.

why?  because i am stupid, because i am too dumb to recognize that all hope is lost. because i love you, and love makes me do incredibly stupid things like that.  maybe im insane, but that doesnt mean im not in love.

so do your worst world.  throw everything you have at me.  lie to me.  slap me in the face.  call me names, hate me.  ill still be in love.  ill still keep trying, because its all i can do right now.  i cant function anymore without it.  i have no hopes for happiness without this.

i know this is all emo bullshit youd expect from a whiny sophomore, but i say it with no regrets.  i have chosen a path for my life, a path where i hope to find happiness.  if right now that path is taken away, my life will become a meaningless meandering through meaningless roads and crossroads.

i cant give up.  i just cant.  my heart stays firm in its place.  and this ring will never come off